( FINALLY! AX write up! )

And then I went home and was super depressed for a month the end. I watched 13 episodes of South Park in 3 weeks. But I have a job now at Caribou Coffee and it's kickass as hell. And my brother is moving in with me and he has a job too. And everything is at peace again. Until the next Life Roadblock. I look forward to kicking it's ass. The end!

So about a month ago, I went to L.A!

I was also fired right before I left.

No for real dudes.

( The exciting full story! )

LA trip write up coming later~ Much excitement there, let me tell you. DIIIIIIIX.

I am going through pages and pages of this thing because not only have I ceased writing in it, I don't even CHECK it.

My online home has become my BBS. Any life updates or ramblings go there. I used to use this place as my depression outlook, but lately I haven't even needed that.

A few months ago, I broke down and visited a mental clinic. I had read about PMDD and suddenly everything made sense to me- why I would be so dark and scary and depressed and then, on a dime, be fine and it didn't flip flop randomly but bi-weekly. I never thought much of it, as my life was always in a place of upset and I had a perfectly valid reason to go crazy. Then I moved out and took control of my life- and continued to go insane.

I eventually linked this to my period and PMS, and I THEN eventually realized the places I was going to were NOT normal and NOT what everyone else was going through. I think my mom had this before menopause or at least something like it when she was divorcing dad, so I was used to shrugging off frightening emotions as mere PMS.

I've since gone on Zoloft which, honestly, I'm not sure is working or not. She started me off on 50 mg as I am "petite," but I didn't get a chance to explain to her my secret theory that I am an X-men whose ability is to absorb toxins with a shrug. I have to take two sleeping pills for them to take ANY kind of effect and even then I can run around like nothing happened, I smoked a lot and consistently for a year and never truly got addicted, I rarely drink but when I do I am very unaffected, and I've gone to the dentist twice this past week and both times I've needed TWO shots of novacaine to be completely numb.

I didn't feel any side effects during that time but I did feel immensely better. When my "PMS Time" hit (that's what the doctor kept calling it) I was going a bit insane; my insides were tightening and I was looking at the word with over focused eyes, finding each and every little slight against me and my life that may exist. The OCD symptoms that would flare up would nudge at my mind. But I was able to step back and say "No." Instead of giving in, I've closed the laptop and talked on the phone.

I'm now taking 100 mg and I'm still not feeling side effects or anything, but I am feeling more secure. Which could simply mean that it's WORKING and I'm incredibly lucky and found the right anti depressant on the first go. Or it means I'm not actually fucked up and this is a mind over matter deal. I have no clue, but it's made me able to stop and breathe in and smile.

So that's that, I guess. There's more going on in my life, but nothing huge. Still in school, still nerdy, still working at the same store. Maybe that's another reason why I don't update as much- I finally have REAL friends to let my stresses loose on, even if having real friends gets more and more complicated every day.

Things change!

So I'm poor as shit, but I just laid down 60 bucks on registering for Anime Expo in LA. In July. It's like, fuck it. I've spent my entire life being responsible and mature and never doing anything just STUPID so I'm doing something stupid. I have no clue how I'll pay for the plane ticket but where there's a will, there's a fucking way. I'm panicking about going and affording it but I know if I DON'T do this, I'll regret it.

Why am I in debt? Because I paid for my SCHOOL TUITION. I have friends in debt who even still spend lavish amounts on luxury, at least compared to the frugal life I've been living! Fuck it! If I'm going to be in debt with no way out, I'm going to have a little fun while I'm there! So SUE me. I'M GOING TO SEE MY FRIENDS AND MY BAND AND MY FUTURE CITY AND MAYBE CONAN O'BRIEN AND TSUNKU. NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.

SOMEONE PLAY AN UPLIFTING SONG.

Welcome to the first of hopefully many attempts to write down my current feelings and thoughts that aren't "I AM SO SAD AND CRAZY." I need to write like a big girl more often than I do.

So in high school, I hung out with, oh, four people, tops. I largely clung to my best friend at the time, Sarah, who was far more outgoing than I could ever hope to be and made all our friends for us. We had our moments, sure- who could forget the epic Liana vs Tony! What a nasty comment fight on GJ that was! And how about me not talking to him as much as I did other people! Gosh golly gee!

But our dramatics were rather less than. We were the nerds, the socially inept. While nerds will fight, rarely do they look a gift horse in the mouth, and all are welcome because we're not exactly welcome elsewhere. Even I, who bitched the most about our group's open door policy and the sort of dumbshits I was then forced to tolerate, still tolerated. Where was I to go? The other, much LESS socially aware nerd cliques? No. I mean, come on. There are SOME standards.

Then there was real life.

When I was moving to Minneapolis, I had a meeting at MCTC, where I was transferring. My dad dropped me off downtown, and left me to wander and get home myself without any clue how to use the bus system or find where bus stops even where. I ended up wandering for upwards of five hours, in the rain, stressed out of my mind.

Even so, however, it was an amazing, important day. I was moving to the city. I was moving out of Medina, which represented one of the most dark periods of my life. It's hard to explain why Medina was so difficult, as it's not like any true, major change took place. You'd think my father marrying Nicole would rate higher, but it doesn't compare. It was like being strapped in and pinned down by both the location and what was going on in my mind at the time. I lived in this box alone, the one person I truly connected with at the time off in a foreign country leaving me with limited contact to her and no one else really filling that hole. To top it off, I lived with a father that was going just as insane as I was. And we were moving away from there! To Minneapolis, where they had a cheap school with both a film program and Japanese. Minneapolis was the answer.

In my wanderings, I stepped into the store I now work at. Within seconds, I had the overwhelming feeling that I had to work there. I don't know why, I don't know if it was God/Goddess/It/my own mind, whatever you believe in, telling me to go there or if it was just the fact I had a lifelong obsession with downtown and the Target had two floors and that was neato, but the next day I called my old store to ensure I transferred there and not Brooklyn Center (where I could have worked a second job at the most lax coffee shop ever. I miss that coffee shop . . .)

Working there has done wonders for me and I am so grateful to some people in that store for helping me make huge steps into a person that communicates. I mean, I'm not 100% cured of all my loner, but it's at least now a choice and not a default. I'm not exactly a social butterfly, but if I'm not sleep deprived or overwhelmed or in that exciting state of textbook depressed I can get in, the witty, funny, enjoyable Liana that lives in my head can peek out and communicate without having to know the person for a minimum of six months. In fact, sometimes I just need to know the person for six seconds and I can hold really fun conversation.

However, the high school politics I missed out on in actual high school? They're here.

It's not as bad as high school; nothing can be as bad as actual high school. But there's been times. Just right now, I sent a Facebook reply off to my friend, mocking a private message she forwarded to me written by someone she doesn't like because she thinks she's moving on her boyfriend. I have no real opinion on this person, because I don't talk to her, and I NEVER form an actual opinion until I have a true panoramic view of someone's personality (which can take two minutes to a month to, you know, two years of abuse, depending on the person). I mean. It was hilarious, I'm sorry man. Any time someone ACTUALLY takes action against someone with a strongly worded letter is just hilarious. But I do have to step back and ask myself- really? Did I just do that? I can think it's funny, sure, but I don't need to talk about it.

I know it's in me to be this catty, it always has. Growing up, I judged quickly and I judged hard. If a person made me wary within 10 seconds, I wouldn't like them forever. Why? That wary feeling always turned out to be right. But it's less right now that I've grown more tolerant, and realized even wacky people are sometimes amazing deep down if you're willing to wade through it all.

I like the newer Liana that thinks that way. Who might go on a tirade about someone behind their back to let off steam, okay, but will always give that person another chance until they do something directly harmful to her (and even then, they'll probably still get like 5 more chances!)

But it's hard when there's all these silly high school politics that I just don't know how to deal with. I don't hate that girl. Her letter was funny, okay, but I had no right to read it and mock it! Now what happens if I'm caught talking to that girl, even liking her as a person? In the Sweet Valley books, this is called two timing! I can enjoy a person's personality while disagreeing with certain actions or, you know, laughing at their fightin' words. I just want to love everyone!

It's not really about that girl and this particular situation, just dealing with my newfound social circle as a whole. They say high school preps you for real life and it's absolutely true.

Someone, please! Teach this nerd how to handle normal people!

I MADE AN APPOINTMENT TODAY! All by myself! I'm an adult! :D

I am also out of the crazy cloud and am happy Liana again. Especially because I basically have money coming out of my ass! Not really, but like . . . I get paid biweekly, right? So two paychecks a month. One for rent, one for bills, the rest for feeding myself. Well, every now and then, I get THREE paychecks in a month! It's mostly going to school, but I have a little extra Liana room. I also got a government check I forgot about!

I got a snuggie and a "My Place Cozy." I also finally bought Arrested Development season 3 'cause it was 12 dollars. This is the end of my wacky self-lovin' spending spree BUT IT WAS SO FUN!

Good day!

So I'm in a down place right now in general but I went to visit my siblings briefly (before the down place took over and I had to go home to mope) and Caralin and I started fighting over who was the golden child (she may be smart, but I'm artistic!)

Bob took out his iPod and played the Benny Hill theme.

It was glorious.

I need to remember where I am right now. That I have things to concentrate on, that I'm learning things about myself, that I have to use certain tools and depend on resources to learn these things.

I don't know, lately I've just felt . . . pathetic that I'm still online as much as I am. This summer, when I moved out, I was supposed to break way from the internet addiction completely. Sure, I could still mix or whatever, but most of the time my freetime should be out.

But it's not. And it's not that I DON'T have a social life- I do, more of one than I ever could have imagined as a super shy awkward little girl. It's just that I ALSO honestly enjoy being at home, singing, mixing, writing, creating. I've always been this mix of a social person and a loner, ever since I was a kid. Sometimes, I'd rather be surrounded by people, laughing and talking. And sometimes, I'd rather be alone. Sometimes, I even reject people in order to BE alone. It's just who I am.

Yet because I somehow decided that makes me less of a person, makes me obsessed and pathetic, I'm having a hard time with life right now.

But I learn so much by what I do online- about leading, about getting really good performances out of people, and so much about SOUND! My sound class is driving me insane because it's just what I've taught myself, though with some fancier names and equipment attached.

I have a really healthy balance between the two "worlds." Why can't I accept this?

Well, I know why, and I'm not going to get into it because it's INSANELY insane and part of why I'm going to give in and go to therapy. I just. I don't know.

Alright. I have finally decided on the plan for my life.

2009: Continue writing this novel. It will good novel; a fantasy-action adventure well balanced with real life people and issues, really strong and easily lovable characters, an exciting plot.

2010: Finish novel, start reworking novel. Get AS in film. Possibly start on AS in sound design, depending on my amount of crazy. It will be an extra 800 or so and cause me the same amount of full time student meets mostly-full time employee stress I have now. However, I also don't know what I'd do without this stress. It's kind of like my hair. I grew my hair out and while I don't really know how to deal with it or, exactly, what to do WITH long hair and it's so much uglier in the long run than my cute blonde-and-spikey days, god dammit, I'm never cutting it again. It's so FABULOUS!

2011-2012: Put life on semi-hold. Finish off BA, teach in Japan for a year, get Japan out of system. Also, managed to learn Japanese fluently within this year. It can be done. My mind is a sponge, after all. It's just. A really really stale one. It takes a while to gain it's sponge-like form but once I'm there, dude, I pick up shit without even trying. Send novel out to publishers.

2013: Move to LA with Kristi. Get novel published. I have always known I will become a published author, solely on basis of my name. Fantasy authors have really cool names. Tolkien? That's a cool ass last name. Mercedes Lackey, Tamora Pierce, Joss Whedon- Liana Walsh. It's got a sort of awesome power to it, you have to admit. In fact, the name Liana has been used by Mattel in Barbie and the Diamond Castle for a kick ass lesbian princess who takes over the land of music. It's a wonderful name and while Walsh, by itself, lacks a bit and is overly common, together they work wonders. My name is a GREAT fantasy writer's name. I have felt this since I was 12. It makes a sort of sense.

2014-2016: My novel will be popular enough that the demand for a sequel is high. I do not write a sequel. I use my semi-famous writer connections to make a television show as the sequel. It is successful. I cast Kristi as a character who was not in the novel, but appears in season 1 and becomes a regular in season 2. I also cast myself as a recurring character, because I'm like that. During a summer haitus, I write and direct a movie about a woman who has floated through life, never really experiencing it to it's fullest, just doing whatever and living the good grades-good college-good job-good husband boring people dream. She goes to Japan with her husband on a business trip. There, her husband meets a man and they have an affair. This affair rocks her world and she discovers herself. It's far less cheesy in my head. The point is, this is why I need to learn Japanese, so I can make this movie. It has to be set in Japan so I can cast a certain idol as the gay Japanese man. He likes to play shocking roles, so this will happen. We will become best friends. I will take him to the Mall of America and we will spend thousands of dollars on clothes because we are rich. I basically do this just to get back at someone, though she will never know.

Dreams achieved by 30.

I better get on this.

Short term, tomorrow I'm going to call the mental health clinic and talk to a therapist. After, oh, 11 years of people suggesting this to me, I'm doing it. I finally found something that makes everything about me make PERFECT sense- I've always know I'm not depressed, but that I get far more sad than the average bear and my mind is not aligned right. I don't know how I feel about this, other than excitement at the prospect of getting my head fixed.

Though I have also decided that after a few sessions, I will have to stop going because I'm much too poor for a therapist. My therapist- obviously a woman, you know, I don't normally mind whose all up in my shit medically, I mean, the idea of a male gynocylogist doesn't phase me at all, but an emotional doctor needs to be a chick. Anyway, my therapist will say "I want to treat you pro bono. Here is my number and address." She and I will then become passionate lovers, even though it's a horribly fucked up idea to date your own therapist who is 13 years older than you and all my friends will tell me. We will explode at each other and end it all within 2 years. Just in time for me to go learn Japanese.

I only share this because I'd like to point out that I don't put "healthy relationship" into my life plan at all and when I fantasize about sexy therapists, we damage each other and break up. I know who I am.

I don't think the things I've been doing to get myself back on track are working. At all. But then I have to remember I've never been ON track. I've never been happy with my life, ever. When I was little I was unpopular, when I had friends I hated school, when I was out of school I hated my life because I wasn't doing anything with it, now that I'm working towards something I hate my life because it's not good enough . . .

What is it about my head that just can't be satisfied? What do I have to do to be content? I'm sick of lying on my bed, staring out at the ceiling in this sick, deep sticky self hatred. What does it take? Seriously, what the HELL do I have to do!

I just want to go, like, a week without being depressed. Why is that so hard for me?

More from my father's facebook.

"Daniel is thoreauly enjoying Walden Pond and really thinks that no one else has ever said that."

I am not well.

My little sister flooded my little brother's Facebook with this mess of glory:

- yer standing right behind me so i'm going to keep leaving comments and flooding yer notifications!
- my armpits itch!
- but they smell good.
- you just left.
- bonjour ma soeur, comment ca va?
- lemons are quite tasty.
- why is francesco still on the wall?
- Christmas has been over.
- i have six friends online right now.
- i hope this doesn't notify everyone else who commented on yer note.
- because then i'd feel bad.
- ohh well, it still might bother you.
- ron weasly is beast.
- now only one armpit itches.
- i just scratched it.
- so its all good now.
- au revoir.

My father also announced "Daniel forgot to shave this morning." on Facebook, which my roommate, apparenly, liked.

Whenever I get stressed and upset and angry, I just need to remember the wacky ass people I've been blessed with. Thanks for letting me hang around with you, guys <3

I am so. Ridiculously. Tired.

I just pulled 4 closing shifts in a row, most of them working with someone I can only describe as an idiot. But she's a sweetheart at the same time, so it's hard. Like, I totally saw her and another team lead PUNCH OUT, go BACK into the breakroom, eat ice cream, and go back to work. But when my friend and I took a little longer GETTING TO our break than she thought (meaning our break was taken completely on time), she got mad that we took it too long. And then I think I got yelled at for it but it's hard to say because when I explained the situation, she just laughed and rambled about something else. That kind of behavior is just the TIP of the iceberg.

The point is, I have to go to work ONE MORE TIME. Five days in a row, then one day off, then back for more. I'm so not used to this. There was a time when I would have shrugged it off, but that was like a year and a half ago. Since then it's been hour cuts, hour cuts, hour cuts. I have pretty much 40 hour weeks coming up and I don't know what to do with them.

To make all matters worse, I have to shoot a project for school. By myself. They push working in groups so much, but I'm still having difficulty making friends in the film program. Lately, this has been changing, slowly but surely. There are people I have TALKED TO and COULD work with but obviously they are all in other classes, because this is my life. Since the project is "movement", I'm just going to run around Minneapolis during lunch hour and catch the masses of people. And. Move the camera. It might turn out cool, but it'll be super weird and awkward. It's one thing to shoot random people with at least a buddy, another to go out with a camera by yourself and be a crazy person. I am way too reserved for this career.

But the point is I want to do this between work (at 2:00) and class (at 5:30) so I'll have to like. Leave my camera case in the breakroom and be seen walking around with a camera and get a million questions and god I don't want to do this. I should have asked for a buddy to tag along, but I didn't want to annoy anyone with like . . . an hour of going "How does this fucking camera work?"

The point is . . . I'm so tired :(

Whine whine whine, always at LJ to whine. Oh well. ENJOY. I now have maybe 10 minutes to get ready for work. My bad.

ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.

EVERYONE HAS SUCH WONDERFUL EYEBROWS.

It's been such a beautiful day, full of love from every corner. Why did I ever spend 2 years in deep depression when there's so much beauty, everywhere? When you take control of a life that's spinning, everything gets brighter, even if it's still hard and monsters lurk in the corner. Remind yourself that you are loved, always.

So, as I've mentioned before, I am trying to write ~a novel~. It will be a character driven fantasy adventure novel wherein the magical and fantastical aspects are used as metaphors for the character's lives. In short, I am writing Buffy, but with even more homos.

My entire life I've been told that I'm a writer. My teachers have stopped writing "well written" on my papers because it's gotten repetitive. I may not be the best writer ever and have been role-playing for the past forever which has been amazing for my ability to develop characters, detrimental to my ability to make words pretty seem. But it's . . . it's not where my heart is, but it's where my heart should be, if that makes any sense at all. Also, it's my heritage. Walshes write, and we write well. Be it hilarious blogs or the occasional editorial or Ron/Hermoine fanfiction (that Caralin never showed me), we write. Well. Mom doesn't write, but she's a Baker you see. Mom is like that weird child that no one really knows where it came from and people begin to suspect the milkman. Seriously, how the hell did that happen?

I've fought against this as I always wanted to be on a stage, not hiding behind a desk, but then I decided I'd hide behind a desk all my life anyway. And other stuff. And anyway I don't hate it anymore XD

Only I haven't written many words yet. There's still a lot I need to sort out, to experience. For me, plot comes from characters, from scene, from setting. They write it. So I need to figure out my characters, my scene, and my setting. I am 100% on two of my mains since I'm, like, recycling old characters, have another recycled but he's playing a whole new role and we have to discuss how and why he became evil, and then three new ones I am working on. I also seem to be setting a lot of this in and around hospitals and healing.

So this is a long way to talk about how I'm more interested in volunteering at a hospital than ever. I've always wanted to do it, and now I sort of just realized I am in complete and utter control of my own time and what I do with it and can make this happen. Problem is, I don't know . . . how. Has anyone done this before? I'm going on websites of various hospitals but not finding much on volunteer programs.

Why can't I go over to my dad's house?

Aside from the fact there are horrible, horrible memories there. Of being held up in my room because Nicole was screaming at someone, of the depression I felt there. I don't want to relive them. The house makes me uncomfortable. It makes the hair stand up on my arms.

But my siblings are there right now and I called to invite them over but I think they all wanted me to come there so I talked about how I have to work early- which I do- so I could get out of it. I miss my siblings terribly. They are the only reason I want to learn how to drive. I want to see them every single day, not once in a blue fucking moon.

I feel this is some kind of karma for the negative feelings I had toward my dad when he left mom. He must have felt like this, but thousands times worse.

Why can't I just go into dad's fucking house.

Oh right. Because his wife makes me physically sick.

"Daniel is nebulous."

My father's current facebook status message, everyone.

And then, when my his 15-year-old daughter called him out on spelling her name wrong in a photo (meaning his wife set it up. Learn your fucking step children's names) he replied with "You caught me; I had help setting this up. Mea culpa."

Stress stress stress! I have to put together a script/ghetto storyboard of some kind for a lighting project I am shooting tomorrow (god do I even have DV tapes? Lord!) which isn't procrastinating as I got the assignment yesterday! But thanks to my wacky schedule, am doing it tomorrow. Lovely.

I have already missed 3 assignments and the semester hasn't even been going on a week. What is wrong with me? I finally have a 3.5 GPA, something I can almost be proud of, something I clawed my way up to and only intend on clawing further. BUT YET!

And then I did something really innocent and random and this, of course, stumbled in to something that hit me with the Bad Feelings. Breathe. Let's make a list of what was awesome about today:

- The discussion in World Cinema was pretty fascinating, even if I disagreed with people defending certain aspects of the poor class, which reminded me of how much idealism I've lost since working in a downtown area. WAIT THIS IS DEPRESSING!
- No bitchy managers in market today! Market is Target Lingo for the grocery section, which makes me think we should all be wearing aprons and speaking in British accents. There used to be three managers until they fired one for reasons relatively unknown (the jury is still out and the gossip flies!) and there's a rumor that an awesome manager might get transferred over? Please let it be so or else my Target bestie and I are screwed as our love is despised by the Evil Witches of Market!
- I literally hung out with food defectives for 3 hours. It was that blissfully slow. After a shitty day, getting four hours of sleep, and being faced with not catching up until, like, Sunday, I so needed to just putter around the backroom with my TWO CARTS OF BANANAS TO SCAN lord.
- I am currently playing Apollo Justice and all of a sudden I'm Phoenix again! I didn't KNOW! It made me so giddy in that silly fandom way! I also then found this amazing video on youtube. Oh, Phoenix Wright.
- I, at least, got some sort of idea for my project tomorrow. It's going to be super cheesy and I have no clue how to implement it without further planning (I need color gels! Hopefully I'll be able to get some on the fly). BUT. It is shaping up! With such short notice I'm glad to have anything.
- I sorted through some bits about The Novel! I WILL write this thing, I will. I just need to have the groundwork laid. I am dead set on including this character that I can take in the direction I want him to be, which impedes on another character's purpose, or put him on the evil side of the fence and I just don't feel that meshing with who he is yet I also feel as if he should be there even though that then gives me TWO characters that eventually betray the "evil" people. Thing. Oh lord.

WOOOOO writing that did kind of make me feel better, or at least momentarily distract me :D Nicotine, wine, a shower, and a Buffy episode should make the rest go away! Then crash planning this project in the morning on the bus. I can do this! This is a BABY work-school marathon and is a mere prelude to the hectic rush rush I know and love. Seriously. I don't know why I dream of an office job so much, I'm going to want to kill myself after three months XD Watch me get an extra AA in sound engineering after I get my BA, just to keep busy.